• KO

Obligational New Year's Post

I typically make New Year's resolutions and break all of them before February 1st. I also typically make New Year's resolutions that are not realistic. I think last year I said I would stop drinking beer, stop eating bread, stop eating potatoes, start hiking every single day, lose 30 lbs and save thousands of dollars while also taking on more expenses. I think every single year for the past 15 years, I've made nearly identical resolutions.

Every year I tell myself this year will be different. And I believe it until someone puts a bag of potato chips in front of me.

There are currently two open bags of potato chips in front of me. I'm not eating any, but only because I brushed my teeth before I noticed them.

This year will be different. And not just because of my current potato chip resilience (which is dwindling by the minute).

I've decided that I need to make resolutions that involve something other than diet and exercise- even if diet and exercise happens to make the list (which it will because OMG wedding photos).

It's a good thing those potato chips are not Hawaiian bar-b-que.

Switching gears now.

I am very stubborn. I know this because every person I have ever been close to has told me so in exasperation.

Because I'm so stubborn, sometimes it takes me longer to learn from my mistakes. I am also from the Show Me state, which I guess means that I need to see something for myself in order to believe it.

So what you have is a stubborn person who needs evidential proof in order to change their mind about anything.

I have three times made major life decisions against my gut instinct. I joined a union even though I was painfully aware that I hated my work environment. I started a second semester in school, even though I felt very strongly within weeks of the first semester that I did not want to continue. And most recently, I took a promotion that I felt certain would lead to a very stressful and even impossible situation for me.

These have been mentally catastrophic mistakes (not to mention expensive, time consuming and detrimental to my reputation).

This year I resolve to listen to my gut instinct.

I hang on tight to negative experiences. I spend WAY too much time thinking about what could go wrong. I obsess over "what if"s. And I do it so intensely that it affects much more than my brain. I sometimes miss multiple meals because I have no appetite (which results in migraines and unhealthy weight loss). I either don't sleep or have crisis dreams all night. I waste hours of free time waiting for bad news. It is really hard for me to enjoy things that should be enjoyable.

This year I resolve to work on finding a solution to my anxiety disorder.

I have a very patient man by side. He is on this crazy ride with me through thick and thin (mostly thin lately). A lot of times I'm not present or I don't listen or I'm not in the mood to do anything. I don't come home ready to spend quality time together. Most nights end with me caving to exhaustion and passing out on the couch 10 minutes into whatever we agreed to watch after an hour of "I don't care" and "You decide."

Ten months from now, we will be husband and wife. I don't want to be a lousy wife. I want to be an awesome wife. And I want to do it for the person who should be my main focus. And I want to do it because the other stuff DOES NOT MATTER.

This year I resolve to make our relationship my #1 priority (#2 will be pulling off a pretty swinging party to celebrate it).

I also resolve to call people back, actually go to things that I am invited to, grocery shop more efficiently, read at least 1 book and write more blog posts

I think these are attainable goals. I have 365 days to prove to myself that I can do it, which is more than enough time. Wish me luck.

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