Goodbye, my friend.
Allow me to grieve the loss of you the only way I know how, for simply accepting your abrupt dismissal of me will not do justice to the 10 years I was privileged to know you.
The anger and devastation that overwhelmed every thought a few days ago has subsided. Just now, I feel a somber numbness. I am in a haze of realization that it is actually over this time.
I will exhaust myself for a while trying to decipher what part of what I said caused you to feel it necessary to eliminate me from your life. But that is not something anyone can relieve me of. Not even you.
I felt my words were honest. Perhaps too honest. But ours was a relationship of blunt truth in a world where truth is a rare and precious species on the verge of extinction.
I will wonder for the rest of my life, “why?” Although I can certainly guess.
I know it’s not my fault. It’s not your fault either.
I didn’t want to give up on you. I didn’t want you to give up on yourself. Perhaps that made it impossible for you.
You have sentenced me to a lifetime of wondering if you are okay. I will feel a slight sting of vexation at the thought of you concluding that I am better off like this than as a participant in your existence. I was naïve to think I was an exception. I don’t blame you for leading me on. I don’t blame you for anything.
You think I’ll speak ill of you now. On the contrary, my friend. I may be guilty of painting a less than flattering picture at times. My excuse is frustration- a weakness I continue to work on. No, I shall defend you and your honor. It is my responsibility to enforce understanding and forgiveness of the misunderstood and seemingly unforgivable. If not for you, then for myself.
You think I’ll hate you now. Why should I hate you? You only ever made me feel heard. You only ever took me seriously. You only ever loved me for me.
I love you no matter what. I care about you no matter what.
I’ll never regret you.
I’ll never forget you.
I will miss your companionship. I will remember your laugh and your smile. I will remember your enthusiasm for the bizarre. I will reflect on the good times we had, for in my memory they outnumber the times we fought or drifted apart.
I wish you well, my friend. For you are still my friend. And I am yours. We don’t belong to each other like we once did, but you have not created an enemy.
The door is closed to me, but it is open to you. It will always be open to you.
The door will always be open to you because if you ever change your mind, I want to be there to congratulate you. If you ever decide to try and make real progress, I want to be there to meet you at the finish line.
I will move on from this, though some part of me will live in hope of seeing you again, or at least talking to you again. Don’t doubt me, my friend. You have extinguished connection, but not my faith in you. Yes, faith- that nasty word I once used against myself in your presence.
I tried my hardest against all odds to love you and I don’t believe that I failed.
I wish you peace and happiness, my friend. I wish you genuine contentment. I wish you clarity and trust. I wish the demons to recede to a place where they cannot harm you any longer, though I know they will never be completely silenced.
You may scoff at my somewhat pious remarks, but they are said in sincerity, my friend. You may find this all trite and glib, but I assure you it is not. Would it be coming from me?
This will all come off as crazy, I suppose. I refuse to be embarrassed.
I believe you are capable of change. I believe it’s possible that someday, you will want something you cannot fathom wanting now, for I have been surprised to feel that way myself. Should that day come for you, I will welcome you back. I will not chastise you. I will not lecture you. For what purpose could it possibly serve?
Goodbye, my friend. It has been an experience and a pleasure knowing you. You mean more to me than you’ll ever know. If you knock on my door one day, I’ll answer and I’ll be happy to see you. Cause I’m your f***ing friend, a**hole.