What will I do? What do I want to do? What am I meant to do? What can I do? What should I do?
I've been wondering that. ALL of that. I suppose you start trying to answer those questions when you're a kid and you realize that you will have to make a living someday because that's what grownups do. They DO.
I chose something lofty and ambitious. I was encouraged and supported all the way (as I continue to be even in failure). I am lucky in that way.
My lofty and ambitious plans led me to a something of a spinoff existence where I watched others do what I wanted to do while I painstakingly aided them in their lofty and ambitious plans. I would have been content to wait my turn had it not been for the ever-present storm surrounding me- a torrential downpour of cynicism and winds that threatened to pick off all pieces of what made me me. Blue sky had ceased to show it's face on the horizon.
I jumped ship. I've been lost at sea for a while now. The current has carried me far from where I first tentatively waded into the surf. I swallowed my share of salt water. I've been trapped in the undertow. I've washed up on the beach. I've caught a few waves and I've been thrown down upon the rocks by others. I've gotten tangled in seaweed. I've felt weightless and I've felt like nothing could prevent me from drowning. The water is sometimes refreshing, but mostly it is warm and stagnant or cold and punishing. I've seen it be crystal clear, but most days I find it's murky. I mastered a few strokes. I encountered my share of predators. Bullies with teeth. Bullies with brains. Bullies with sheer size on their side. I came ashore for a brief time, but quickly dove back in- too impatient and unsure to explore the island.
A boat came along and picked me up unexpectedly. And now I find myself at the helm. I can navigate with ease and confidence. I can enjoy the sea breeze. I can admire the view. I can drop anchor here and there and breathe a sigh of what must be relief. I'm not exactly sure where this boat will carry me, but I feel like I can depend on it to keep me above the surface for some time to come.
Will this pompous analogy go on you ask? No. Sadly, I've run out of metaphors.
To summarize: After a lengthy, confusing, discouraging, seemingly endless period of time, I have reached a point in my job search/life's purpose search/career path where I feel like I'm maybe sorta kinda finally going in a direction that makes sense. There are challenges, but I have the skills to succeed. There are moments of chaos and even danger, but I have the experience to maintain balance and composure. I genuinely like what I'm doing and feel like I'm pretty good at it, which is a big deal. The fact that I like the beings surrounding me is a bonus.
So yey me, I guess. To quote Bob Wiley, "Guess what? Ahoy! I sail! I'm a sailor! I sail. Isn't this a breakthrough? That I'm a sailor? I sail? I sail now? Out on a boat on the lake way far away from the dock. In the wind and with the sky and everything. Ahoy!"
For the record, I'm not actually a sailor.