Confidence is a strange thing. A phenomena, if you will. It is a state of mind that one person can wear like a glove and another will try in vain to squeeze into like a pair of skinny jeans fresh from the dryer.
Why does it come naturally to some and only show its face for brief moments to others? Why does it exude in abundance for one person and ration itself into tiny, insignificant and unsustainable portions for the next? Why do certain individuals experience it as an everlasting source of power while others only see faint glimpses dispersed over long periods of time?
My confidence has always been in short supply (why else would I complain about it?).
My confidence is fragile and easily taken from me. It is unreliable. It hides from me when I need it most. I can depend on it to fail me.
My confidence is like a bubble. It takes several attempts for it to inflate, but only one attempt to burst.
My confidence is like a checking account. Anytime it is drained, more is taken than what is available. I end up with overdraft and overdraft fees.
My confidence is like Punxsutawney Phil. It only doesn’t see its shadow once every 10 years.
My confidence is so easily and effortlessly destroyed, it’s a wonder I ever manage to maintain it for more than a few seconds.
The most frustrating thing about my confidence is that once lost, all evidence of it disappears indefinitely. Suddenly, it’s as if nothing I ever did or said or felt was real. I can’t trust memories of times where I thought things were going well. I don’t believe I ever really had it in my grasp.
It probably goes without saying that I had one of those days where I started out okay- maybe even better than okay- and in an unexpected turn of events I now find myself completely depleted of any trace of confidence. I’m probably too sensitive, too easily discouraged, too quick-tempered and too critical of myself, but I feel like I would be better suited to deal if I had a stockpile of confidence backing me up. The catastrophic events of today are particularly devastating because the singular thing I feel (felt) confident about was questioned and therefore any and all existing confidence has been extinguished. I crumbled like a piece of coffee cake and I don’t know if Humpty Dumpty will ever recover all of his pieces.
Will I taste that magical elixir again? Will I feel its effects? Doesn’t seem possible just now.