Make 'em laugh

April 28, 2019

I read yesterday that Lucille Ball felt personally responsible for keeping humor in people's lives. What a gal.

 

When I logged into Wix just now, I discovered that it (I'm giving this web development platform the ability to think for itself) has labeled my blog as "old." I take offense to this (even though I haven't written a post in months). And now I'm getting defensive. I HAVEN'T FELT INSPIRED GODD***IT! I DON'T WRITE JUST TO F***ING WRITE, YOU IGNORANT F***! I'M STILL HERE TRYING TO COME UP WITH MATERIAL THAT'S F***ING WORTHY, YOU A**HAT!

 

Anyway...

 

This tax season was tough, huh? And it's been tough anyway. And I'm not even in as tough of a situation as most.

 

I haven't written a full post about anything for you today. But I watched Arsenic & Old Lace last night. And as I was fighting back tears watching Cary Grant run around like a maniac, I think I may have subconsciously realized laughter is legitimately medicinal. Or maybe it just felt good to forget about everyday sh*t for a minute & get lost in screwball. It's the same thing... I know.

 

To be honest, I don't really feel like laughing right now. But I did yesterday & maybe I can make you laugh today.

 

Anyway, these are random things I jotted down at some point. I hope at least one of them makes you laugh (preferably at an inappropriate moment). If none of this gets to you, I recommend any episode of I Love Lucy.

 

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The government may be robbing me of income through a farcical, bogus, astronomically priced healthcare plan, but I do take comfort in knowing that you can still get a decent toaster for $25.

 

(At REI): "Hi, yes. I'm here to have my heart broken by a $300 raincoat."

 

When did Sandra Bullock become so prim? Remember when she was the smiley, bashful girl next door who was always choosing the wrong man to fall in love with? What happened to that Sandra? I liked being jealous of her hair & straight, white teeth. 

 

Will I ever come to terms with the fact that quality shaving cream is worth the extra $1.10?

 

My downright frightening high school English teacher lost all ability to frighten me when I went to her house & discovered she was obsessed with photographing her toy poodle in doll dresses.

 

Lord help the naive, unsuspecting fellow grocery shopper that comes between me & the last bottle of Simply Cranberry.

 

Drivers who come to a complete stop before turning will never be invited to get into the lifeboat with me.

 

So I got a free subscription to Time, National Geographic & Instyle magazines. I'm ashamed to say that soon after they arrive, I flip through the Instyle photos, then read one article on Amy Schumer, pick it apart for being too "Cosmopolitan-esque," get angry at the thought of what a "women's magazine" is anyway, and then swear off ALL magazines- avoiding Time & National Geographic, knowing full well I should have started there, but now I'm so angry I'll probably never read anything ever again until I realize how much I love Mental Floss. Once a month I go through this.

 

Apologies to Brenda Fricker's character in Home Alone 2, but pigeons have got to be the most annoying creatures currently living. This may or may not include insects (depending on the season). I actually prefer rats to pigeons. Don't get me wrong- rats are disgusting. But at least they scurry away. Pigeons encroach. Pigeons aren't easily discouraged. Pigeons keep coming back for more & even have the audacity to dive-bomb if & when you are brave enough to eat outdoors. They flutter in your face & probably sprinkle you with life-threatening contagions anytime you surprise them. And if that's not enough, they sound like flying bobbleheads.

 

Cotton is not the fabric of our lives. Cheese is. Name another sandwich that works with only one ingredient. Grilled cheese is 100% perfect on its own- without question.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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