Be Brave & Give In to the Crave.

March 23, 2020

I'm feeling a bit “Hemingway” about life. Or at least the Corey Stoll Hemingway I know & revere from Midnight in Paris. That profound directness resonates evermore at present.

 

I began a series of sentences just now- all describing in different words the overwhelming sense of “wow, this forcibly induced idleness paired with a bleak & uncertain future is really taking it's toll.” And it occurred to me that repeating, rephrasing & reiterating that widely broadcasted message serves no purpose.

 

So let's laugh, shall we?

 

Is it safe to say that, in the face of modern despair in a material world, the satisfaction of certain guilty-pleasure culinary choices provide at least the momentary comfort of distraction? Unless you're nothing like me, you know you'll be reaching for the double stuff, the extra cheesy, the king size & the flavor blasted.

 

So let's indulge, shall we?

 

See, I've been saving some opinions on this subject matter for the right moment. And that moment never came because sh*t keeps hitting the f*cking fan.

 

I don't want to discuss the apocalypse today (at least not with anyone who isn't Ernest Hemingway or a fictional representation of him). Not when there's multiple Pop Tart flavors competing to be my breakfast.

 

So let's talk junk food, shall we?

 

Does anyone say “no” to curly fries? I hope not. First of all, it's a work of art. Potato curling ribbon seasoned with magic dust? That belongs in a museum! If curly fries are an option, why in God's name would you choose anything else? Sure, I can go for classic, loaded, waffle, steak or cottage. But how do you turn down a curly fry? How do you defend that grave mistake?

 

I 100% do NOT understand the appeal of Chips O'Hoy. Great name. Stupid cookie. Thin, hard & suffering from a chip deficiency- everything a chocolate chip cookie should not be. Ok, dip it in milk. I'm sure that's an improvement. But shouldn't a cookie be able to stand alone & prove itself?

 

People who cut their burgers in half... (sigh). What's the deal? If the burg's too big, you gotta smash it, not slash it. Every move you make. Every bite you take. It should be as intended- toppings & juices escaping in all the least flattering places as you struggle to eat at a pace that allows you to both enjoy & finish before the whole thing falls apart. If you feel like an uncivilized beast, you're doing it right.

 

Nobody actually likes yogurt. Know how I know? Because no one prefers yogurt to something they actually want to eat. (Relax, froyo lovers- I'm only attacking those sensible plastic cups you eat from when you begin your new & doomed diet).

 

Wetzel's Pretzels is the devil's advocate. I rest my case.

 

As cold, left-on-the-counter-all-night pizza goes, I vote Pizza Hut is the consistent frontrunner. Also, remember when Pizza Hut was a dine-in restaurant?

 

As long as I live, I will never learn to wait for pizza to cool when it comes out of the oven. Yes, I live with the pain of burning the sh*t out of my mouth every single time.

 

Wendy's. I'm not saying you have to dip your nugget in your frosty. But just know... you are missing out on a great opportunity.

 

White chocolate- that tricky bastard. It plays very well with others. Coat anything with it & you've got the stuff of champions. White chocolate chips. White chocolate mousse. White chocolate mocha. White chocolate macadamia nut anything. But take a bite out of a bar of solitary white chocolate- wait... no, don't. Trust me on this.

 

I'd like to take a moment to recognize the equally delicious & disgusting phenomena that is candy corn.

 

Nachos. Really hard to hate life when there's nachos.

 

 

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